Where the hell
are the damn pitchbooks
By Rob Parsons,
Investment Banker
Seth, take me off the damn speakerphone.
That's better. Now where the hell are the f@#king pitch books?! My flight
leaves in am hour and I got nothing. Nothing! No models, no boilerplate, no
spiral-bound books with a clear cover and black back. $20 million in fees are
gonna vanish into thin air because you can't get off your ass to finish the
books. The biggest deal of my life and you're gonna screw me on it.
Seriously, I could care less if I made a
bunch of changes to the models at the last minute. And, I really don't give a
damn that you pulled back-to-back all-nighters. When I was an analyst, I would
work on, like, nine live deals and I'd never, ever miss a freakin' deadline.
When I was analyst, I could pull
all-nighters in my sleep. I'd pull 'em left and right. Just knock 'em out.
Hell, one time I wasn't staffed on anything but I still pulled an all-nighter.
Out of principle.
But that's just me. That's who I am. Maybe
that's why I got a maid, a cook and a doorman. Hell, I got two Swedish nannies
and I don't even have children. I'm a hitter. I've got a seat at the Met and a
VIP card at Scores. I'm a success. Or at least I was a success until you got
staffed on this deal.
Are you trying to sabotage my career? Is
that what you're trying to do? Screw Rob Parsons? Ruin my life?
Well let me tell you something, Seth. I'm
on a plane in less than an hour. If I don't have a model in my hand by liftoff,
your freakin' career is over. When I get angry, I get pissed off. And when I
get angry and pissed off, I become a hurricane. And you become a small
Caribbean island.
I become a tornado, and you become a
Midwestern trailer park. I become an earthquake, and you become tenement
housing in third world countries.
And don't think you can get back at me in
my 360 degree review. That stuff is all b-s. Like anyone actually cares what an
analyst thinks. But then again, go ahead and trash me in my review. I get to
read exactly what everyone wrote. And then I'll have even more of a reason to
kick your ass.
Wait a sec, my doorman just dropped
something off at my door. Oh, the books. Here they are. I guessed you already
dropped them off. Well, Seth, I got one thing to say to you.
I've got a lot ridin' on this meeting. You
better not have f&%ked anything up.
What were you expecting? A thank you? An
apology?
Geez, you've got a lot to learn about this
business.
